IC Contact - Duplicity

[understood]

username: Cst.B.Fraser

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[scarrystories]

[ There's a lot of 'typing' 'not typing' again. ]

All right. Let me know.

[understood]

Of course. You'll be the first to know.

[scarrystories]

See you when you get home.

[understood]

See you then.

[ He arrives home at his usual time and pauses just inside the door to take off his work boots like on every ordinary day. ]

I'm home.

[scarrystories]

Hey.

[ Andy is in the kitchen, stress baking. Healthy Coping Mechanisms. Ben might notice he's very tense. ]

[understood]

Hi.

[ Ben comes over and kisses him on the cheek. ]

What's wrong...? Is young Andy worse?

[scarrystories]

No news there. It's fine, just— fears that will not decide your course of action.


[ He's aiming for a light tone, but he misses the mark a bit. ]

[understood]

[ Fraser frowns a little, uncertain. ]

You're still anxious?

[scarrystories]

I'm terrified!

[ His voice goes high and shaky. And he makes himself breath in and out, leaning against the counter. ]

It's fine. It's fine, it's six weeks away, I'm okay.

[ It's very possible he's been saying that to himself over and over for several hours. ]

[understood]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[ He's startled as well as dismayed, and he immediately goes over to put his arms around Andy. ]

[scarrystories]

[ This isn't at all reassuring, but he does let himself sink against Ben. ]

I'm sorry.

[ It's like he's trying to switch off whatever feelings he's feeling one by one and it's only half working. ]

[understood]

I don't see what in the world you have to be sorry for.

[ Ben holds him close, nuzzling under his ear a bit like a worried puppy. ]

[scarrystories]

This isn't fair to you.

[ He seems to be effectively shutting down whatever feelings he was having. ]

We can talk it out once you know.

[ He's also very carefully avoiding looking at Ben as he speaks. ]

[understood]

I thought we had talked it out.

[scarrystories]

... no. We can't talk it out until I know if you're going. Because— I get my feelings on the matter are irrelevant, but whatever you do is gonna inform what I do, but I don't wanna speculate because I've been running scenarios all afternoon and it's making me miserable. So it's fine, I'll just bake and shelve it until you know.

[ He kisses Ben very quickly, and then goes back to his cupcakes!!! ]

[understood]

Your feelings are not irrelevant.

[ He's so confused, but very firm and indignant on that point. ]

[scarrystories]

I told you I didn't want you to go, I told you I was anxious, and you said you wouldn't decide based on that. So, they're irrelevant.

[ HE IS!!! MAKING!!! CUPCAKES!!! ]

It's fine, my fears are my own problem. Just let me know when you know.

[understood]

That is so reductive as to be false.

[scarrystories]

Well, I'm an idiot then.

[understood]

You're not an—

[ He cuts himself off, aware that he's raising his voice, taking a breath and trying more calmly. ]

Clearly, we're having some kind of miscommunication. Some misunderstanding. Your feelings are very relevant, Andy, I assure you.

[scarrystories]

[ He breathes in and out too, because he is an emotionally healthy adult and he should be able to use his words. ]

... yeah. We are, and I'm in my head about it, and it's not your fault. I don't want to be manipulative and I'm also just terrified if like six different things, which are also not your fault. But like—

[ He turns back to his cupcakes so he has something to do with his hands while he speaks. ]

Bottom line, if you did decide to go, I wouldn't be okay. Even if everything went right, even if you came back, a part of me would follow you on that ship and be lost at sea. And I've been thinking about that nonstop all afternoon. You leaving and taking this part of me with you, and me just losing it. And I know that that's not fair to you, but it is what it is.

[ Cupcake goes on the round hole. And tray goes in the oven. Everything is fine. ]

[understood]

[ This is not the time to go non-verbal, and he's actively fighting against it, but his voice comes out muted and strange. ]

I don't want to do that to you.

[scarrystories]

[ He turns back to look at him, even though that increases the chances he'll just break down, and reaches for him tentatively. ]

So don't.

[understood]

[ He holds out his hands, but doesn't answer. ]

[scarrystories]

[ Which makes Andy all twisted up inside, but it doesn't stop him from pulling Ben into a hug. ]