IC Contact - Duplicity

[understood]

username: Cst.B.Fraser

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[scarrystories]

... no. We can't talk it out until I know if you're going. Because— I get my feelings on the matter are irrelevant, but whatever you do is gonna inform what I do, but I don't wanna speculate because I've been running scenarios all afternoon and it's making me miserable. So it's fine, I'll just bake and shelve it until you know.

[ He kisses Ben very quickly, and then goes back to his cupcakes!!! ]

[understood]

Your feelings are not irrelevant.

[ He's so confused, but very firm and indignant on that point. ]

[scarrystories]

I told you I didn't want you to go, I told you I was anxious, and you said you wouldn't decide based on that. So, they're irrelevant.

[ HE IS!!! MAKING!!! CUPCAKES!!! ]

It's fine, my fears are my own problem. Just let me know when you know.

[understood]

That is so reductive as to be false.

[scarrystories]

Well, I'm an idiot then.

[understood]

You're not an—

[ He cuts himself off, aware that he's raising his voice, taking a breath and trying more calmly. ]

Clearly, we're having some kind of miscommunication. Some misunderstanding. Your feelings are very relevant, Andy, I assure you.

[scarrystories]

[ He breathes in and out too, because he is an emotionally healthy adult and he should be able to use his words. ]

... yeah. We are, and I'm in my head about it, and it's not your fault. I don't want to be manipulative and I'm also just terrified if like six different things, which are also not your fault. But like—

[ He turns back to his cupcakes so he has something to do with his hands while he speaks. ]

Bottom line, if you did decide to go, I wouldn't be okay. Even if everything went right, even if you came back, a part of me would follow you on that ship and be lost at sea. And I've been thinking about that nonstop all afternoon. You leaving and taking this part of me with you, and me just losing it. And I know that that's not fair to you, but it is what it is.

[ Cupcake goes on the round hole. And tray goes in the oven. Everything is fine. ]

[understood]

[ This is not the time to go non-verbal, and he's actively fighting against it, but his voice comes out muted and strange. ]

I don't want to do that to you.

[scarrystories]

[ He turns back to look at him, even though that increases the chances he'll just break down, and reaches for him tentatively. ]

So don't.

[understood]

[ He holds out his hands, but doesn't answer. ]

[scarrystories]

[ Which makes Andy all twisted up inside, but it doesn't stop him from pulling Ben into a hug. ]

[understood]

[ Ben holds him very tightly. ]

I won't go.

[scarrystories]

[ It's like a dam breaking in slow motion, there's a quiet hiccup, followed by a louder one, and the next thing he knows he's wailing like a toddler. He pulls Ben even closer, arms wrapped around him so tightly it has to hurt. ]

[understood]

[ He can hold on as tight as he wants, Ben isn't going anywhere. He rubs Andy's back and pets his hair and makes slightly awkward soothing noises. ]

[scarrystories]

[ He's gonna have to deal with Andy's broken sobbing until the oven timer goes off. So it's A While. ]

[understood]

[ Fraser becomes sufficiently alarmed by this to try words before the timer goes off, still holding him. ]

Andy... Andy, don't... don't. I'll stay. I'm sorry. I didn't realize— I made a muddle of it—

[scarrystories]

[ Okay, he can try words too. ]

I'm okay. Good—

[ He's caught off by a hiccup. But makes a Better attempt: ]

Manly tears.

[understood]

[ He chuckles softly and kisses Andy's hair, although the moment of levity doesn't make his ensuing explanation any less earnest. ]

It was only that I didn't want to promise not to go before I'd had a chance to think through, rationally, if I thought I could materially contribute to the success of the voyage through my presence to a degree that would offset the good that I might do here. I never thought it very likely that I would decide in favour of going, but it seemed unfair to you to say so before I'd fully considered the matter, just in case.

[scarrystories]

[ What if he just stays here forever. ]

I went into a panic spiral and any attempts at digging myself out failed.

[ But at least he knew he was in a spiral, which is progress. ]

I'm sorry, it's on me.

[understood]

Everyone is afraid sometimes. You don't have to apologize.

[scarrystories]

I love you very much.

[understood]

And I, you.

Did you really think I would just abandon you without any regard for your feelings?

[scarrystories]

No, I— you said you wouldn't make a decision based on fear, and fear's all I got. But I know you'd never hurt me on purpose.

[understood]

But surely, Andy, you wouldn't make a decision based solely on fear, yourself.

[scarrystories]

The way you worded it, it felt like fear wouldn't factor in at all.