IC Contact - Duplicity

[understood]

username: Cst.B.Fraser

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[understood]

[ He chuckles softly and kisses Andy's hair, although the moment of levity doesn't make his ensuing explanation any less earnest. ]

It was only that I didn't want to promise not to go before I'd had a chance to think through, rationally, if I thought I could materially contribute to the success of the voyage through my presence to a degree that would offset the good that I might do here. I never thought it very likely that I would decide in favour of going, but it seemed unfair to you to say so before I'd fully considered the matter, just in case.

[scarrystories]

[ What if he just stays here forever. ]

I went into a panic spiral and any attempts at digging myself out failed.

[ But at least he knew he was in a spiral, which is progress. ]

I'm sorry, it's on me.

[understood]

Everyone is afraid sometimes. You don't have to apologize.

[scarrystories]

I love you very much.

[understood]

And I, you.

Did you really think I would just abandon you without any regard for your feelings?

[scarrystories]

No, I— you said you wouldn't make a decision based on fear, and fear's all I got. But I know you'd never hurt me on purpose.

[understood]

But surely, Andy, you wouldn't make a decision based solely on fear, yourself.

[scarrystories]

The way you worded it, it felt like fear wouldn't factor in at all.

[understood]

I just don't think it should be allowed to outweigh other considerations.

[scarrystories]

[ Andy kisses him again. ]

I know, I promise, I get it, I just freaked.

[understood]

You can trust me, Andy.

[scarrystories]

I do, I trust you.

[understood]

[ Okay, then, he gets another kiss, even if Fraser does sort of feel that trust is incompatible with the idea that he would just up and leave without even making arrangements for if he wouldn't make it back. ]

[scarrystories]

[ Ben is not understanding the main problem, but that's fine because he said he's not going and they're kissing now. ]

The cupcakes. I have so many cupcakes.

[understood]

Oh— yes, of course.

[scarrystories]

Let me get those before they burn.

[ He remembers to put on the oven mitts before getting it, which means he's fine, probably. ]

[understood]

[ Fraser leans against the counter, watching him. ]

... I hope you'll learn take it as a matter of course that your feelings do very much matter to me, and that I would of course consult them before making any major life decisions.

[scarrystories]

I'm really sorry I freaked out. I just need things spelled out for me sometimes.

[understood]

... I suppose I just worry that perhaps you don't think your feelings should have weight with me.

[scarrystories]

[ That is more correct. And he's surprised and immediately reluctant to admit it. ]

... dooo you want many cupcakes?

[understood]

Andy...

[scarrystories]

I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you—

[ He breathes out and it comes out shaky. ]

My experience with relationships is all BDSM. Clear communication and boundaries and respect, and I don't know where to put my feelings in there. Obviously I have no problem having breakdowns on you, but— I don't know, I don't want to be a problem.

[understood]

Well... if Grace were in a committed relationship with someone, and they'd agreed to try to find each other if they were ever removed from Duplicity, and had adopted a child together, would you say she was being a problem, if she were upset when she thought her partner might suddenly go away to sea?

[scarrystories]

Grace is a bad example because I love her and she's never done anything wrong in her life. But it's not that I don't think I have the right to be upset, I know I do. I just don't know where the line is, like— I don't want you to have to guess how I'm feeling, that's passive-aggressive, but I also don't want you to feel guilty over how I feel.

[understood]

You are no more responsible for my feeling guilty than I am for you feeling anxious.