various psl shenanigans

[understood]

[Westward from the Davis Strait...]

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[understood]

[Ray has been stuck in the front of a dogsled all day, and it's really not that comfortable, but Fraser seems so happy. Ray might have to remind him to stop.]

[shakebadguysshake]

[Ray is cold. He is cranky. But at least he has an actual hat instead of a pair of long underwear on his head this time. And he is not, to his knowledge, dying of hypothermia. Small steps.

Still, they've been going for a while now and it's starting to get dark. They should set up camp somewhere.]

Hey Frase! [He taps at Fraser's thigh to get his attention] You wanna maybe think about bedding down for the night?

[understood]

Oh! Certainly. Right you are, Ray.

[He doesn't actually stop the sled right away, but he is at least now steering for a rocky outcropping amidst a stand of trees.]

[shakebadguysshake]

[Trees are good. Trees mean shelter and hopefully maybe less being snowed on? Maybe some food and like a fire or something.]

[understood]

[Distances are screwy with so much open space around. It takes longer than it seems like it should to reach the shelter of the trees. But once they're there, it doesn't take Fraser long at all to build a shelter and get a fire going and see to the dogs. He does make Ray help, but in the form of, "Would you pass me that branch?" or "If you could just tamp the snow down there in a fifty centimetre circle," or similar specific tasks. And before long he's sitting down to boil some snow for water, dusting off his gloved hands.]

There we are, cozy as anything.

[shakebadguysshake]

[He's tired, and his legs hurt from being scrunched up on the sled, but by god he tamps, and he hands branches over and he follows all of Fraser's instructions as close as possible cuz he figures that's the best way to avoid dying out in the wilderness.

The fire does look pretty inviting, and Ray reminds himself for the millionth time that this was his idea. Plus, he'd always been sort of curious to see how Fraser had lived up here in the Northwest areas. He may regret that now, but he's gonna make the best of it with only mild complaining.]

Fire's nice. Though I thought we uh, I thought we packed a tent? [He nods towards the wooden lean-to that Fraser had set up for them. Nice as it is, it's not what he was expecting.]

[understood]

We did, and I expect we'll be glad of it depending on the terrain we find ourselves in, but I thought you might prefer this? It's a little sturdier, and provides more insulation.

Pemmican?

[He offers the pouch, casual and relaxed.]

[shakebadguysshake]

[He starts to reach for it, then remembers past experiences when he'd just eaten whatever Fraser handed to him and regretted it immediately.]

First tell me what it is before I put it in my mouth.

[understood]

It's a mixture of tallow, dried meat and dried berries. Very nutritious, not to mention convenient for travel.

[shakebadguysshake]

It's a meat bar. You could have just said, "Ray, this is a bar of meat". [He's not even sure he knows what tallow is. But he takes the bar and nibbles at the corner. It's... not terrible. Not his first choice in cuisine, but not the worst thing Fraser has given him to eat.]

I brought trail mix? [He offers up a ziplock bag, shaking it a little. Granola clusters, raisins, Smarties, peanuts. Real camping food.] Kinda frozen but if you give it a smack it'll loosen up.

[understood]

Oh, well, thank you, Ray. How considerate.

[He takes a polite amount of trail mix and pops it into his mouth]

[shakebadguysshake]

Well you know, it was my idea, I oughta contribute. [He'd stocked up on jerky and trail mix and things that pack light and easy and don't go bad. To tell the truth, he's sort of hoping that Fraser's hunting skills are as good as he says they are.]

[understood]

[Fraser glances over at Ray with a look that's difficult to read, but he doesn't say anything, just builds the fire up some more. This was Ray's idea, and Fraser is very glad to be here with him, but on the other hand, it was his idea while they were very stuck in an ice crevasse, and he has on some occasions mentioned breaking out in a rash when he leaves the city. And he did almost die multiple times over the last several days after voluntarily following Fraser home in pursuit of Muldoon. Fraser has some concerns.]

[shakebadguysshake]

What? [A quiet Fraser is no good. Ray tries to figure out his expression, but the man is a fucking sphynx sometimes, it's frustrating as hell.]

You don't think this was a good idea? [Or worse, Fraser doesn't think he can do it.]

[understood]

I think it's an adventurous idea.

[He pokes the fire unnecessarily.]

How was your day?

[As if he didn't have his eye on him the entire time.]

[shakebadguysshake]

Well, Frase, since I couldn't go very far with your boots up my ass, I think you know pretty well how my day went.

No talk to me, Frase. You think this was a bad idea. You think I can't hack it out here in the wilderness.

[understood]

You're putting words in my mouth.

[He sounds a little frustrated. That wasn't what he meant, but he doesn't know how to say what he feels.]

[shakebadguysshake]

I wouldn't have to, if you'd just talk to me. You don't go quiet like this if you're not thinkin' a'somethin'. So I know somethin's on your mind, and I wanna know what that is.

[understood]

Well, I'm not trying to be uncommunicative, Ray, I'm just trying to find the right words.

[shakebadguysshake]

Well okay, so. [It's Ray's turn to poke awkwardly at the fire, not really looking at Fraser] Find 'em.

[understood]

Alright.

... when we were pursuing Muldoon, you asked if I ever felt lost. And I told you how I felt when I first arrived in Chicago. But it didn't occur to me to ask if you brought it up because that's how you feel, here.

[shakebadguysshake]

A lotta things happened when we were pursuing Muldoon, but I think I remember askin' that, yeah.

[Some more poking, because now Ray's trying to find words.] Not here. Here's not where I feel lost. I mean sorta, in a literal sense, cuz I got no clue where we are, but -- anyway.

I just. I been feelin' lost since Vecchio got back. The real one. Cuz Walsh said to me, "Hey, you can go back to bein' Kowalski now." Like it's that easy, you know?

But it's not. It's not easy at all. Not after two years of bein' someone else. I don't know if I want to go back to being Stanley Kowalski after two three years of not bein' him. But I don't wanna be Ray Vecchio, either.

So yeah, I did feel lost. But then I realized that I don't have to be either of those guys. I could be this entirely new guy, the guy I've been for two years. I could be Ray Kowalski. And I realized how much of bein' that guy is wrapped up in you.

So I felt lost, but then I didn't. Cuz I'm figuring it out. And maybe that's what all this is. [He gestures to the darkening wilderness around them.] Figuring it out.

[understood]

[Fraser listens attentively. He'd guessed some of that, but he didn't know it. And he's not quite sure what part of it to address.]

Figuring out how to keep being Ray Kowalski?

[shakebadguysshake]

Figuring out who the hell Ray Kowalski is. Like -- Stanley Kowalski would never have suggested this trip, not in a million years. But Ray wanted to see all this wilderness and wide open spaces and the sorta stuff that Benton Fraser talked about so much.

Stanley said every man for himself, but Ray would follow his partner to the ends of the goddamned earth. And has, it feels like.

We're alike and different in a lotta ways, Stanley and Ray. Still figuring out what those are.

[understood]

... you did, for all intents and purposes, follow me to the ends of the earth.

[Fraser looks over at Ray with some amount of wonder in his eyes, then looks back down at his hands.]

And I am... honoured. That you want to see my home. That you want to explore it with me. And that you feel that this will help you figure out who you want to be.

[shakebadguysshake]

You're my partner, Frase. I showed you all around Chicago and you followed me even though you'd been living there for a while and you let me show you all those places you'd probably already been. But you followed me cuz you knew they meant a lot to me.

And that was part of me. Still an important part of me. I just gotta find the rest, now.

[understood]

Well, of course I followed you, Ray, you were kindly introducing me to your community.

[He smiles briefly, a little bit shy.]

I suppose I just wanted to be sure you weren't careening around the Arctic wilderness with me because you felt obligated to uphold a promise you made while we were stuck in a crevasse waiting for death. That you weren't already regretting it.

[shakebadguysshake]

I'll tell you in the morning if I regret it, how about that? When I get my I slept in the snow and my back still hurts badge.

[Ray smiles at him across the fire and he's pretty sure that if Fraser looks at him like that, he could never regret anything he does with Fraser.]

Nah, I meant what I said. Before this, the biggest adventure I had was quitting college to go to the police academy.

[understood]

Alright, Ray.

[Now Fraser can't stop smiling.]

I still think your definition of adventure may be overly selective. But I'm glad you're here.

[shakebadguysshake]

Yeah well when your partner talks about wrestling bears or whatever, you start to feel a little uh. A little unadventurous.

And if we don't find the hand of Franklin, at least we had some bonding time in the snow and the trees and stuff.

[understood]

You know, I'm flattered that you feel I've had such an influence on you.

[shakebadguysshake]

I mean, you just -- [He's trying to find the right words for the influence Fraser has had on him.]

You got dealt a bum handing, coming back from your vacation and finding me and not your friend. But you rolled with it, and accepted me as your new partner right away. And you're so goddamned polite, and so freakin' nice and it's hard to not wanna like. Live up to that.

[understood]

I did not accept it right away. I took a dental cast from you, using a sandwich as a ruse while you were distracted driving, among other things.

[He knows that's beside the point, but he feels Ray is giving him perhaps too much credit.]

[shakebadguysshake]

Well yeah, you suspicious but you still went with me. You could have refused to work with me until you knew where your partner had gone. But we had work to do and you just did it. It's admirable.

[understood]

I didn't want Ray Vecchio's house to burn down.

... but, thank you, Ray. I'm glad you think so. And you were a pleasure to work with from the start.

[shakebadguysshake]

Oh no, I was an asshole. I fully admit that. But I'd like to think I'm less of an asshole, after two years of working with you. Or at least a slightly more mellow asshole.

[understood]

I didn't say you weren't obstreperous. I said it was a pleasure to work with you.

[Is he smirking? He's smirking. The Mountie is smirking.]

[shakebadguysshake]

Buddy, we talked about that. About the using the big words. But I'm using my context clues and guessing that "obstreperous" means "actin' like a jerk".

[The smirk is a good look on him, though. So he's gonna let that one pass.]

[understood]

Unruly. Difficult. Like a jerk, yes.

But I don't think— that is, you put up a certain amount of bluster, of course, but...

[He spreads his hands.]

I did mean it, the first time I said that I'd be proud to call you my partner, and my friend. And that has only become more true over time.

[shakebadguysshake]

[... aww. That's buddies. He can't help the grin that spreads across his face. Ray reaches around the fire with his foot to nudge his toes against Fraser's foot. Needing to just. Touch him, somehow.]

Me too, Frase. Me too. Best partner I ever coulda wanted.

[understood]

Thank you kindly, Ray.

[He's warm from more than the fire.]

[shakebadguysshake]

I think that's another thing, like. Stanley Kowalski definitely was a lone wolf. Never wanted a partner, always worked alone. But Ray -- me, I. I can't imagine not havin' you with me.

[understood]

[Somehow that's the thing that surprises him. That takes him aback. The other night, when Inspector Thatcher interrupted them, Fraser had been telling Ray that no matter if his father and Buck Frobisher didn't see each other for months, they always knew they were partners. Of course, he said it to apply the same thing to himself and to Ray— to let Ray know that they would still be partners, even if Fraser stayed up north and Ray went back to Chicago.

This, though... this sounds like Ray might not want to hear it.]

You can't?

[shakebadguysshake]

I don't mean it as some weird codependent thing. Like I could survive on my own without you. Maybe not out here, I kinda need your help for that, but I mean like.

[He sighs and munches on his -- meat bar thing while he thinks] Like if you went on vacation, that'd be fine. I can handle cases on my own no problem. But I work better with you, and I'd be relieved when you got back.

[understood]

I see.

[He smiles, but he feels unaccountably disappointed, which makes absolutely no sense.]

[shakebadguysshake]

... right. [Something feels incomplete. Or unsaid. But he's not entirely sure what, or how. It just feels like something's... missing, somehow.]

So we should probably think about gettin' ready to bed down and whatnot. Any special Mountie tricks you wanna share there?

[understood]

Get in the shelter and get into your sleeping bag?

[shakebadguysshake]

Hardy ha ha. [He rolls his eyes and snags another handful of trail mix before he tucks it away, then goes to start setting up his sleeping bag.] I just meant, smartypants, you got any Mountie secrets to not turning into a popsicle overnight.

[understood]

Well, there is the common sense solution of sharing body heat.