IC Contact - Duplicity

[understood]

username: Cst.B.Fraser

Please leave a message.

Comments

[understood]

It's very rare that I lose track of time. But I don't think I tend to dwell on stressors at any time.

[scarrystories]

So the difference between that and sex is what? Intensity?

[understood]

They don't make me stop thinking. There's always... a level of analysis, out in nature. If nothing else, I'll tend to catalogue flora and fauna as I go... look for signs of tracks... estimate wind speed and direction. With music, as well, there's always historical context to consider, and all the technicalities, the theory... it's not just instinct, just sensation. I'm used to relying on both of those—instinct and senses—as tools. But not losing myself in them.

[scarrystories]

We could try making it more controlled on your end, but I think learning to let go gradually would be better.

[understood]

I'm not sure that... I mean to say. What if I do get lost? What if this is the start of a slippery slope? What if I develop a... a sex addiction?

[scarrystories]

I get the concern and the fear, I really do. But I don't think it's a risk, I think you could get wrapped into it for a while, like how most people who go to a casino for the first time get hooked and end up with a moral hangover.

Plus, honestly, I could see something like a sex addiction coming a mile away and I'd intervene before it got bad.

[understood]

It's just that I'm very aware that it's not in my nature to let things go.

[scarrystories]

... are we still talking about sex?

[ Because if they're not this is getting into a more serious conversation. ]

[understood]

What else would we be talking about?

[scarrystories]

... the... temporary nature of relationships in this place.

[understood]

I'm not sure I know quite what you mean.

[scarrystories]

Nevermind. We're still talking about sex, then.

[understood]

I was, yes. It's certainly not a personality trait that only applies to my... my "sex life," though. It's just in that context that it worries me.

[ Always with the air quotes. ]

[scarrystories]

Have you ever had a problem with addiction? Or... smaller things like, being unable to stop eating chips until you're out?

[understood]

Not... exactly. It's more things like... answers, or the pursuit of justice.

[scarrystories]

Do you think that for you, the pursuit of justice and the pursuit of orgasms could ever fall on the same priority level?

[understood]

It could happen! You don't know it won't!

[scarrystories]

[ He laughs. He doesn't want to, but he can't help it. ]

Ben, I think maybe, maybe we get to a point where I don't have to wish you'd gagged me before we started. I'm absolutely certain you are at no risk of ever prioritizing sex over more important aspects of your life.

[ Maybe he could get wrapped up in a person, but Ben's person is Ray, they'll be fine. ]

[understood]

...

But even if I accept, intellectually, that it will do me no harm to learn to let go in this particular context, I don't know how to get over the... well, to be frank, impulse to panic, though. Especially in the moment.

[scarrystories]

Then panic. Feel whatever your body needs to feel, talk it out, the rest of you will catch up with time.

I wasn't entirely kidding about exposure therapy.

[understood]

I absolutely cannot ask you to be my sex therapist, Andy.

[scarrystories]

That sounds unethical. And that's not what I'm offering, I'm saying we should continue as we have and it's fine if you panic.

[understood]

And you're really sure about that?

[scarrystories]

Absolutely. I'm never going to be upset if you need to stop.

[understood]

[ He sighs softly, then goes quiet, feeling something akin to grief and not understanding why in the least. ]