IC Contact - Duplicity

[understood]

username: Cst.B.Fraser

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[understood]

I can understand that. You trust me, but you don't entirely trust your trust in me.

[scarrystories]

[ He hadn't thought of it like that, but it makes sense. ]

... yeah, that sounds right.

[understood]

[ Fraser squeezes his hand. ]

It's alright that it feels weird. And I hope you know that I'm honoured by your trust in me.

[scarrystories]

Your turn.

[understood]

I think I'm just uncomfortable with... with, well, passion.

[scarrystories]

[ Andy deserves an award for managing to continue this conversation while the sentence 'I am falling for this man' runs on loop through his head. ]

With feeling it?

[understood]

No... well. Yes, but...

[ He gestures helplessly. ]

[scarrystories]

I think I'm gonna need you to finish that thought, but you can take your time.

[understood]

...

Sex scares me.

[scarrystories]

[ Andy meets his eyes and gives him a smile that's all mischief. ]

Well then, the obvious solution in this case is exposure therapy.

[understood]

Andy.

[scarrystories]

[ He takes Ben's hands to pull them away from his face. ]

Ben.

[understood]

It's not... that.

[scarrystories]

Then?

[understood]

I think it's... it's related to the reason I don't drink. I think, so often, people drink in order to escape their own lives, to... to lose themselves in something external. I've never felt the need to do that. I've always thought it was that simple—never feeling the need—but perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps with alcohol, or sex, or anything else that involves a... a letting go of inhibitions... I actually fear that escape. Perhaps I fear that I really will lose myself, for more than the time being. That I won't be able to find myself again. And... I mean, to escape my life, really, even the language I'm using, it's—well, the French even refer to orgasm as "a little death," and so in a sense... I think some part of me feels that letting go will result in... some kind of death of the self, so to speak. I find physical intimacy... consuming, in that way. It's difficult.

It's easier when it's... a means to an end, I suppose. An expression of care for another person. But I... I do value my inhibitions. Generally speaking. And so... when I'm reminded that I've put them aside for a time... well, in a way... inhibitions, courtesy, a sense of being... civilized, it's all of a piece. There's this sense that I've lost who I choose to be. It's not that I'm without passion, but that giving myself over to passion feels like abandoning reason and principle, and doing that purely for pleasure and escape... terrifies me.

[scarrystories]

[ Andy doesn't interrupt at all throughout, he just listens attentively. When he's done, Andy leans in to give him a light peck on the lips. ]

That makes sense.

[understood]

It does?

[scarrystories]

It does. You have very clear limits for yourself, catching yourself stepping outside of them freaks you out.

Do you feel weird when you think about the sex you had after the fact?

[understood]

Yeah.

[scarrystories]

Do you have any leisurely activities? Things you do just for fun.

[understood]

Just for fun?

... I listen to music. I go for hikes.

[scarrystories]

Do you lose track of time? Forget your stressors for a bit?

[understood]

It's very rare that I lose track of time. But I don't think I tend to dwell on stressors at any time.

[scarrystories]

So the difference between that and sex is what? Intensity?

[understood]

They don't make me stop thinking. There's always... a level of analysis, out in nature. If nothing else, I'll tend to catalogue flora and fauna as I go... look for signs of tracks... estimate wind speed and direction. With music, as well, there's always historical context to consider, and all the technicalities, the theory... it's not just instinct, just sensation. I'm used to relying on both of those—instinct and senses—as tools. But not losing myself in them.