[He's tired, and his legs hurt from being scrunched up on the sled, but by god he tamps, and he hands branches over and he follows all of Fraser's instructions as close as possible cuz he figures that's the best way to avoid dying out in the wilderness.
The fire does look pretty inviting, and Ray reminds himself for the millionth time that this was his idea. Plus, he'd always been sort of curious to see how Fraser had lived up here in the Northwest areas. He may regret that now, but he's gonna make the best of it with only mild complaining.]
Fire's nice. Though I thought we uh, I thought we packed a tent? [He nods towards the wooden lean-to that Fraser had set up for them. Nice as it is, it's not what he was expecting.]
We did, and I expect we'll be glad of it depending on the terrain we find ourselves in, but I thought you might prefer this? It's a little sturdier, and provides more insulation.
It's a meat bar. You could have just said, "Ray, this is a bar of meat". [He's not even sure he knows what tallow is. But he takes the bar and nibbles at the corner. It's... not terrible. Not his first choice in cuisine, but not the worst thing Fraser has given him to eat.]
I brought trail mix? [He offers up a ziplock bag, shaking it a little. Granola clusters, raisins, Smarties, peanuts. Real camping food.] Kinda frozen but if you give it a smack it'll loosen up.
Well you know, it was my idea, I oughta contribute. [He'd stocked up on jerky and trail mix and things that pack light and easy and don't go bad. To tell the truth, he's sort of hoping that Fraser's hunting skills are as good as he says they are.]
[Fraser glances over at Ray with a look that's difficult to read, but he doesn't say anything, just builds the fire up some more. This was Ray's idea, and Fraser is very glad to be here with him, but on the other hand, it was his idea while they were very stuck in an ice crevasse, and he has on some occasions mentioned breaking out in a rash when he leaves the city. And he did almost die multiple times over the last several days after voluntarily following Fraser home in pursuit of Muldoon. Fraser has some concerns.]
I wouldn't have to, if you'd just talk to me. You don't go quiet like this if you're not thinkin' a'somethin'. So I know somethin's on your mind, and I wanna know what that is.
... when we were pursuing Muldoon, you asked if I ever felt lost. And I told you how I felt when I first arrived in Chicago. But it didn't occur to me to ask if you brought it up because that's how you feel, here.
A lotta things happened when we were pursuing Muldoon, but I think I remember askin' that, yeah.
[Some more poking, because now Ray's trying to find words.] Not here. Here's not where I feel lost. I mean sorta, in a literal sense, cuz I got no clue where we are, but -- anyway.
I just. I been feelin' lost since Vecchio got back. The real one. Cuz Walsh said to me, "Hey, you can go back to bein' Kowalski now." Like it's that easy, you know?
But it's not. It's not easy at all. Not after two years of bein' someone else. I don't know if I want to go back to being Stanley Kowalski after two three years of not bein' him. But I don't wanna be Ray Vecchio, either.
So yeah, I did feel lost. But then I realized that I don't have to be either of those guys. I could be this entirely new guy, the guy I've been for two years. I could be Ray Kowalski. And I realized how much of bein' that guy is wrapped up in you.
So I felt lost, but then I didn't. Cuz I'm figuring it out. And maybe that's what all this is. [He gestures to the darkening wilderness around them.] Figuring it out.
Figuring out who the hell Ray Kowalski is. Like -- Stanley Kowalski would never have suggested this trip, not in a million years. But Ray wanted to see all this wilderness and wide open spaces and the sorta stuff that Benton Fraser talked about so much.
Stanley said every man for himself, but Ray would follow his partner to the ends of the goddamned earth. And has, it feels like.
We're alike and different in a lotta ways, Stanley and Ray. Still figuring out what those are.
... you did, for all intents and purposes, follow me to the ends of the earth.
[Fraser looks over at Ray with some amount of wonder in his eyes, then looks back down at his hands.]
And I am... honoured. That you want to see my home. That you want to explore it with me. And that you feel that this will help you figure out who you want to be.
You're my partner, Frase. I showed you all around Chicago and you followed me even though you'd been living there for a while and you let me show you all those places you'd probably already been. But you followed me cuz you knew they meant a lot to me.
And that was part of me. Still an important part of me. I just gotta find the rest, now.
Well, of course I followed you, Ray, you were kindly introducing me to your community.
[He smiles briefly, a little bit shy.]
I suppose I just wanted to be sure you weren't careening around the Arctic wilderness with me because you felt obligated to uphold a promise you made while we were stuck in a crevasse waiting for death. That you weren't already regretting it.
I mean, you just -- [He's trying to find the right words for the influence Fraser has had on him.]
You got dealt a bum handing, coming back from your vacation and finding me and not your friend. But you rolled with it, and accepted me as your new partner right away. And you're so goddamned polite, and so freakin' nice and it's hard to not wanna like. Live up to that.
Well yeah, you suspicious but you still went with me. You could have refused to work with me until you knew where your partner had gone. But we had work to do and you just did it. It's admirable.
Oh no, I was an asshole. I fully admit that. But I'd like to think I'm less of an asshole, after two years of working with you. Or at least a slightly more mellow asshole.
Buddy, we talked about that. About the using the big words. But I'm using my context clues and guessing that "obstreperous" means "actin' like a jerk".
[The smirk is a good look on him, though. So he's gonna let that one pass.]
[... aww. That's buddies. He can't help the grin that spreads across his face. Ray reaches around the fire with his foot to nudge his toes against Fraser's foot. Needing to just. Touch him, somehow.]
Me too, Frase. Me too. Best partner I ever coulda wanted.
I think that's another thing, like. Stanley Kowalski definitely was a lone wolf. Never wanted a partner, always worked alone. But Ray -- me, I. I can't imagine not havin' you with me.
[Somehow that's the thing that surprises him. That takes him aback. The other night, when Inspector Thatcher interrupted them, Fraser had been telling Ray that no matter if his father and Buck Frobisher didn't see each other for months, they always knew they were partners. Of course, he said it to apply the same thing to himself and to Ray— to let Ray know that they would still be partners, even if Fraser stayed up north and Ray went back to Chicago.
This, though... this sounds like Ray might not want to hear it.]
I don't mean it as some weird codependent thing. Like I could survive on my own without you. Maybe not out here, I kinda need your help for that, but I mean like.
[He sighs and munches on his -- meat bar thing while he thinks] Like if you went on vacation, that'd be fine. I can handle cases on my own no problem. But I work better with you, and I'd be relieved when you got back.
Hardy ha ha. [He rolls his eyes and snags another handful of trail mix before he tucks it away, then goes to start setting up his sleeping bag.] I just meant, smartypants, you got any Mountie secrets to not turning into a popsicle overnight.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
understood) wrote2021-05-18 08:08 pm
no subject
The fire does look pretty inviting, and Ray reminds himself for the millionth time that this was his idea. Plus, he'd always been sort of curious to see how Fraser had lived up here in the Northwest areas. He may regret that now, but he's gonna make the best of it with only mild complaining.]
Fire's nice. Though I thought we uh, I thought we packed a tent? [He nods towards the wooden lean-to that Fraser had set up for them. Nice as it is, it's not what he was expecting.]
no subject
Pemmican?
[He offers the pouch, casual and relaxed.]
no subject
First tell me what it is before I put it in my mouth.
no subject
no subject
I brought trail mix? [He offers up a ziplock bag, shaking it a little. Granola clusters, raisins, Smarties, peanuts. Real camping food.] Kinda frozen but if you give it a smack it'll loosen up.
no subject
[He takes a polite amount of trail mix and pops it into his mouth]
no subject
no subject
no subject
You don't think this was a good idea? [Or worse, Fraser doesn't think he can do it.]
no subject
[He pokes the fire unnecessarily.]
How was your day?
[As if he didn't have his eye on him the entire time.]
no subject
No talk to me, Frase. You think this was a bad idea. You think I can't hack it out here in the wilderness.
no subject
[He sounds a little frustrated. That wasn't what he meant, but he doesn't know how to say what he feels.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
... when we were pursuing Muldoon, you asked if I ever felt lost. And I told you how I felt when I first arrived in Chicago. But it didn't occur to me to ask if you brought it up because that's how you feel, here.
no subject
[Some more poking, because now Ray's trying to find words.] Not here. Here's not where I feel lost. I mean sorta, in a literal sense, cuz I got no clue where we are, but -- anyway.
I just. I been feelin' lost since Vecchio got back. The real one. Cuz Walsh said to me, "Hey, you can go back to bein' Kowalski now." Like it's that easy, you know?
But it's not. It's not easy at all. Not after two years of bein' someone else. I don't know if I want to go back to being Stanley Kowalski after two three years of not bein' him. But I don't wanna be Ray Vecchio, either.
So yeah, I did feel lost. But then I realized that I don't have to be either of those guys. I could be this entirely new guy, the guy I've been for two years. I could be Ray Kowalski. And I realized how much of bein' that guy is wrapped up in you.
So I felt lost, but then I didn't. Cuz I'm figuring it out. And maybe that's what all this is. [He gestures to the darkening wilderness around them.] Figuring it out.
no subject
Figuring out how to keep being Ray Kowalski?
no subject
Stanley said every man for himself, but Ray would follow his partner to the ends of the goddamned earth. And has, it feels like.
We're alike and different in a lotta ways, Stanley and Ray. Still figuring out what those are.
no subject
[Fraser looks over at Ray with some amount of wonder in his eyes, then looks back down at his hands.]
And I am... honoured. That you want to see my home. That you want to explore it with me. And that you feel that this will help you figure out who you want to be.
no subject
And that was part of me. Still an important part of me. I just gotta find the rest, now.
no subject
[He smiles briefly, a little bit shy.]
I suppose I just wanted to be sure you weren't careening around the Arctic wilderness with me because you felt obligated to uphold a promise you made while we were stuck in a crevasse waiting for death. That you weren't already regretting it.
no subject
[Ray smiles at him across the fire and he's pretty sure that if Fraser looks at him like that, he could never regret anything he does with Fraser.]
Nah, I meant what I said. Before this, the biggest adventure I had was quitting college to go to the police academy.
no subject
[Now Fraser can't stop smiling.]
I still think your definition of adventure may be overly selective. But I'm glad you're here.
no subject
And if we don't find the hand of Franklin, at least we had some bonding time in the snow and the trees and stuff.
no subject
no subject
You got dealt a bum handing, coming back from your vacation and finding me and not your friend. But you rolled with it, and accepted me as your new partner right away. And you're so goddamned polite, and so freakin' nice and it's hard to not wanna like. Live up to that.
no subject
[He knows that's beside the point, but he feels Ray is giving him perhaps too much credit.]
no subject
no subject
... but, thank you, Ray. I'm glad you think so. And you were a pleasure to work with from the start.
no subject
no subject
[Is he smirking? He's smirking. The Mountie is smirking.]
no subject
[The smirk is a good look on him, though. So he's gonna let that one pass.]
no subject
But I don't think— that is, you put up a certain amount of bluster, of course, but...
[He spreads his hands.]
I did mean it, the first time I said that I'd be proud to call you my partner, and my friend. And that has only become more true over time.
no subject
Me too, Frase. Me too. Best partner I ever coulda wanted.
no subject
[He's warm from more than the fire.]
no subject
no subject
This, though... this sounds like Ray might not want to hear it.]
You can't?
no subject
[He sighs and munches on his -- meat bar thing while he thinks] Like if you went on vacation, that'd be fine. I can handle cases on my own no problem. But I work better with you, and I'd be relieved when you got back.
no subject
[He smiles, but he feels unaccountably disappointed, which makes absolutely no sense.]
no subject
So we should probably think about gettin' ready to bed down and whatnot. Any special Mountie tricks you wanna share there?
no subject
no subject
no subject